Heretofore on this day, the 13th day of November, in the year two thousand and fourteen, let it be known that the publication known as Toronto Life has written a proclamation that Context shall be crowned the King of Toronto.

We humbly accept this position from our predecessor, the entertainer known as Drake. In light of his efforts to change our reputation amongst other kingdoms to the south and across the sea known as the Atlantic, Drake shall be knighted post haste in a ceremony outside the kingdom’s colosseum. Or as the commoners call it, the ACC.

We also welcome one John Tory to be the head of the small council dealing with municipal affairs. We are sure his personal affairs will be less public than the person who last held the position.

Context will rule sternly, but we are also fair. That is why we are imposing the following rules:

• The magical creatures known as subways, who live in Toronto’s dungeons, will operate on time

• A great wall will be built just north of the great road to separate our fair kingdom of Toronto from the wickedry of the area known as “The Suburbs” which we assume, is some kind of haunted forest

• Libation establishments shall be open until sunrise. This applies to haberdasheries as well

• Everyone on Queen West shall be required to provide a license for their ironic facial hair or man-buns. If not, we will turn the royal shaving committee on them to right this wrongful injustice

Wait, what’s that? We’re the condo kings of Toronto? Oh. Well now this is awkward.